Archive for the ‘KeTawA PenaWar DuKa’ Category

Lawak Geek : P O R K


Tengah hari tadi waktu lunch, aku terserempak dengan seorang kawan. Penah bekerja bersama di satu syarikat. Berborak pasal ORM. Biasalah, geek jumpa geek, topik mesti geek juga. Aku ni kalau bab database memang kurang. Balik office, aku google la pasal ORM untuk PHP. Sekali aku jumpa satu projek ORM opensource untuk PHP. Nama projek sungguh tak boleh blah. Haram wo!

P.O.R.K yang membawa maksud PHP on Rails (kinda). Aku pon tak faham apa perlunya nama sedemikian rupa. Terjadilah perbualan lawak peringkat geek antara aku dengan kawan aku tu.

Siap ada babi keriangan lagi

Kay: http://www.schizofreend.nl/pork.dbobject/
Kay: jumpa ni
Kay: tak haram pakai kan?
Kay: haha
rakan: ni simple
rakan: pakai tak haram..tapi kene samak la
rakan: hahah

Kay: hahaha
Kay: ari2 nak samak server
Kay: payah ah
rakan: buat la cron
Kay: oh
rakan: set samak setiap masuk waktu semayang
rakan: schdule
rakan: hahaha

Kay: buat class samak, method air tanah dgn air mutlak
Kay: haha
rakan: haa
rakan: ok jgak pork nih

Bila aku cerita dengan wife aku pasal perbualan ni, dia cakap “tak payah buat method air tanah. buat aje method sabun taharah. Haha!

*Cron juga dikenali sebagai cronjob adalah penjadual kerja berdasarkan masa dalam sistem komputer seperti operasi Unix. Cron nama berasal dari kata “chronos”, bahasa Greek untuk “masa”. Cron membolehkan pengguna untuk jadual kerja (perintah skrip shell atau skrip programming) untuk berjalan secara berkala pada waktu-waktu tertentu atau tarikh. Hal ini umumnya digunakan untuk menjalankan penyelenggaraan sistem atau pentadbiran secara automatik.

Lawak Geek : Resipi Masakan

Sang isteri sedang menonton Asian Food Channel (AFC). AFC ni ada slot resipi masaan yang tiada suara, hanya video cara memasak dan text bahan-bahan yang digunakan. Video ni biasanya hanya beberapa saat dan nama masakan hanya akan di tunjuk selepas masakan tersebut siap.

Ketika sang isteri sedang menonton, keluar satu resipi yang menggunakan daging. Maka terjadilah perbualan suami isteri yg geek.

Isteri : Abang, dia masak apa tu?

*sang suami memandang ke arah kaca tv. Ketika itu ditunjukkan sesuatu sedang di tabur di atas daging tersebut dan ada teks “Salt and Papper” di bawah video tersebut*

Suami : Ohhhhhhhh. Ini.
*diam seketika*

Suami : Dia tengah cuba encryptkan daging tu dengan salt & pepper supaya data-data rahsia dalam daging tu takkan terlepas pada sesiapa. :p

Isteri : ermmmm :|

**Salt & papper adalah istilah untuk 2 kekunci rahsia yang digunakan dalam programming untuk encrypt sesuatu data. Hanya mereka yang tahu value untuk salt & papper sahaja yang boleh decrypt semula data yang telah di encrypt.

Lawak Geek – Upgrade

upgrade

@tekong pernah post lawak “Dialog programmer dan isterinya“. Bagi aku, seorang programmer yang berkahwin juga dengan programmer, perbualan tu mungkin kurang tepat. Haha. Semalam berlaku 2 perbualan yang sangat geek dan terserlah sifat programmernya. Memang boleh gelak besar kalau dengar perbualan ni. Tapi aku tak tau la kalau kau orang rasa tak lawak. Mungkin kena asah ke-geek-an kau orang dulu baru boleh baca balik entry ni kot. Haha.

Perbualan 1 – Suami Isteri

Suami : Si polan ni kahwin berapa? Dekat berita online ni sebut macam ada ramai pula bini dia.
Isteri : Kahwin 5.
Suami : Fuh! Abang nak kahwin 10 la kalau macam tu.
Isteri : Tak boleh. Kuota abang tak cukup. Kuota abang cuma ada 1 je.
Suami : Tak apa. Abang pergi upgrade sekarang.
Isteri : Tak boleh.
Suami : Dah approve pun. Bayar pakai paypal. :p
Isteri : :|

Perbualan 2 – Rakan sekerja

Programmer 1 : Cepat ah. Nanti kawan aku marah kalau lambat.
Programmer 2 : Kawan ke? Bukan girlfriend?
Programmer 1 : Mana ada.
Programmer 2 : Boleh upgrade kot.
Programmer 1 : Tak nak lah.
Programmer 2 : Dia ada trial version. Boleh cuba dulu. Kalau puas hati baru upgrade. Kalau tak, transfer pada orang lain.
Programmer 1 : ~!@#$%^&*()))___+

Perbualan-perbualan di atas tidaklah 100% sama. Ada yang di alih bahasa dan di olah sedikit. Tapi masih cuba di kekalkan inti pati perbualannya.

If you love someone

Ini adalah kata-kata pujangga lama (ye ke kata-kata pujangga?) yang merupakan fav aku. Sekarang dah ada macam-macam version dan ada version aku sendiri.

Original Quote

If you love someone,
Set her free…
If she comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, she never was….

Pessimist:

If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, as expected, she never was…

Optimist:

If you love someone,
Set her free …
Don’t worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:

If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:

If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she doesn’t come back within some time
forget her.

Patient:

If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she doesn’t come back, continue to wait
until she comes back …

Playful:

If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she comes back,
and if you love her still,
set her free again,…….. repeat

C++ Programmer:

If(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;

Bill Gates :

If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
but tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.

HR specialist

If you love someone
set her free by
Offering her VRS and other benefits
Then outsource her.

Shakespeare:

if you love someone,
Set her free ….
If she ever comes back, she’s yours.
If she doesn’t, here’s the poison, suicide
yourself for her.

My Own version

If you love someone,
set her free…
If she ever comes back, she’s yours.
Don’t worry, she`ll come back.
If she doesn’t, ask her why, then take this poison, suicide yourself!

Kisah Ayam….

Aku dpt ni dari e-mail… agak funny… mmg pernah dpt b4… tp yg bawah2 ade penambahan berdasarkan isu2 semasa skang ni… Enjoy arr dulu… nnt aku update yg btol nyer.. ;)

Why Did the Chicken Cross The Road? What theyhave to
say.

Kindergarten teacher:
Because it wanted to look for food on the other side.

> >> Sammy Vellu:
kita sude bikin banyak jembatan, itu ayam musti guna
jembatan untuk
lintas itu jalan lagi pun kalu itu ayam mau pigi
jalan-jalan,
beritau sama saya juga, saya bolley buat lebbey banyak
toll….itu
jambatan mesti ada tahan 100 tahun. Lain kali bole
kasi tutup..kita
bole survey mana ada rosak.

> >> Karam Singh Walia(TV3):
Seperti yang saudara dapat lihat, kelihatan ayam-ayam
itu sedang
melintas jalan. Mereka bukan sahaja melintas jalan,
malah membuang
najis di atas jalan dan ini adalah pencemaran yang
paling hebat di
maya ini. Bapa-bapa dan ibu-ibu ayam haruslah
mengambil inisiatif
untuk melatih ayam-ayam agar menahan najis sewaktu
melintas jalan,
sekian saya sudahi dengan………Ayam di jalan di
lintaskan; Ayam
di reban mati tak makan.

> >> Wan Kamarudin(Edisi Siasat NTV7):
Ape kejadahnyer ini semua, KL dah jadik reban ayam,
mak bapak ayam
asyik menganga saje.Ayam semua dah besar kepala,..dan
dah tak nak
duduk reban…dan bertambah biadap dan buat perkara yg
tak masuk dek akal!

> >> Zainal Ariffin Ismail(TV3 Kisah Misteri):
Ada saksi menyatakan yang mereka dapat melihat
ayam-ayam ini
melintasi jalan-jalan di kampung ini pada waktu malam.
Ada yang
menyatakan ayam-ayam ini merupakan penyamaran jin. Dan
ada juga
mengaitkan ia berkaitan dengan peristiwa silam di
kampung ini.
Apakah sebenarnya maksud tersirat ayam-ayam ini
melintas jalan? Oleh itu saya akhiri, “Jangan biarkan
hidup anda diselubungi
misteri………”

> >> Zainal Alam Kadir(Wayang Kita Astro):
“Ayam siapa kalau bukan ayam kita…”

Sisters in
Islam:
We abhor the thoughts of the rooster enslaving the
hen, that is why
female chicken must be brave and know their rights
before they cross
the road,….and some cross to escape the master/slave
marriage….but this Taliban minded syaria court is no
help to the
grieving hens…all chicken hens should not vote for
IFL!

> >> Abdul Fatah Haron(PAS Rantau Panjang):
Ayam-ayam yg melintas ini semua adalah kerana mereka
ayam-ayam yang GATAL……

> >> Md. Said Yusof(BN Jasin):
Apa salah nya…biarkan mereka lintas…tutup sebelah
mata
ajelah…ayam-ayam terlebih besar sikit shj.Lagi pun
semua nya itu
ayam saya.

> >> Shahrir Abdul Samad (ex Pengerusi BBC):
Ini adalah prinsip saya. Ayam-ayam tak boleh
dibenarkan melintas
jalan. Kalau beginilah, maka ia nya bertentangan dgn
prinsip saya, maka saya RESIGN.

> >> Dan Brown (Da Vinci’s code author):
The chicken used to a member of a secret society
Poultry of Sion.
The Opus Dei chickens are on its back because of the
missing
parshments of Les Dossiers Secrets. And they(Opus
Dei)are known for
their ‘corporal mortification’ practice.

> >> Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
chicken did NOT
cross the road.

> >> Ronald Reagan:
I forget. But of course this is for their SDI
(Strategic Defense Initiative) program if I’m not
mistaken.

> >> Bill Clinton :
I’ve had met so many chicks that like to blow, I can’t
remember them
all…but I like White House intern chicks, like
Monica Lewinsky….Ooops I’m sorry Hillary.

> >> George Bush:
These chicken inspector must be allowed to do their
job….Let me
stress now…their plutonium enrichment program must
be stop, and
make no mistake, we are not going to tolerate another
WMD producing
rouge chicken state, they are axis of evil
state….and put all our options on th

> >> Arthur Andersen (consultant):
Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was
threatening its
dominant market position. The chicken was faced with
significant
challenges to create and develop the competences
required for the
newly competitive market. Andersen, in a partnering
relationship
with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its
physical
distribution strategy and implementation processes.
Using the
Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the
chicken use its
skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and
experiences to align
the chicken people, processes and technology in
support of its
overall strategy within a Program Management
framework.

> >> Computer Programmer:
In order for the chicken to cross the road safely they
would need
more than one driver to access the server farm, if not
they will
hang in the middle of the road.

> >> Jerry Seinfeld:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t
anyone ever think
to ask “What the heck was this chicken doing walking
around all over
the place anyway?”

> >> Bill Gates:
I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000,
which will not
only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents,
and balance your checkbook. Microsoft will pledge a
billion for
research on chicken AIDS.

> >> Dr M:
You know, I am tired of all this…’apa-nama’
chicken-chicken
bisnes…you know that it is our right to build the
bridge on our
side of the straits….so why are we chicken out?

> >> Pak Lah:
Ini semua adalah khabar angin sahaja…jangan percaya
khabar -
khabar angin ini semua… biasalah ini adalah taktik
pembangkang
untuk memecah belahkan perpaduan ayam-ayam semua…
jangan
percaya… we’ve decided to scrap the scenic bridge
for the best
interest of the people…nothing to do with chicken.
And of course
others have the right to express their opinion….ini
biasalah.

System Upgrade (Edisi update sbb dah kene rusuhan!)

waaa… sedih… semua org buat rusuhan terhadap blog aku… jgn arr mcm ni!!~~ teman Selonj0ng aku pon sama je… *sob* *sob* *sob* Aku report FRU kang… baru korang tau… nah, nak sgt aku update… benda ni aku amik balik dari blog lama aku… baca lar korang puas2… gelak puas2… aku ade paper esok pagi… wish me luck… aku nak sambung study… ;)

SYSTEM UPGRADE

Dear Technical Support

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to
Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow
down in the overall performance, particularly in
the flower and jewelry
applications that had operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other
valuable programs such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but
installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House
Cleaning 2.6 simply
crashes the
system.

I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail

What can I do?

Signed,
DESPERATE

**************************************************

Reply:

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an
entertainment package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering
the command C:\I THOUGHT
YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install
Guilt 3.0. If all works as
designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically
run the applications
Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence
2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a
very bad program that will
create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but
it does have a limited
memory and cannot learn new applications
quickly. You might consider
additional software to improve memory and
performance. I personally
recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

GOOD LUCK.

From,
TECHNICAL SUPPORT

The Zestful IcedNyior
Ariff Shah
Wazy84